You made me cry and you don't even care
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
