Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
FUCK WHALES
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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