I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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