I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
