Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
