someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
