My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize