RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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