my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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