I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
