Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
