I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
