I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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