Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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