A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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