Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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