Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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