dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
