found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
