I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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