the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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