I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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