i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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