i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
