You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
