i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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