I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
