So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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