oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
