i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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