If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude i'm inner monologue high
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
