proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
