So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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