Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
