your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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