if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
