I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
