Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My cat gives me a boner
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
