I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
