The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
