If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
