Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
