I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
