It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
