Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
