she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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