matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
