Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize
