Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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