I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
