I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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