the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
