i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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