both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
