ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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