wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
