Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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