Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
