My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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